bye bye bi party

[and_survive]

As she hopped into the driver's seat, Ellie wondered if she was under-prepared; her hand had automatically gone for the row of tapes, and then drummed over them as she waited for Blue to get in the other side. She didn't know if she had the right mix for this, which was especially difficult as who knew what precisely this was. They were ditching the party, and they were... well, she could think of more than a few things, and none of them were specific to a location. But then, should she have something in mind? Her place, not her place -- Hywel was right out -- somewhere. She remembered Blue noting her front seat's lack of scandal, and thought about scandal.

Should she have made a mix? Was that weird, or presumptuous, or presumptuous and weird? Making a mix for doing... well, she didn't know how much. But looking at Blue getting in, at the piecemeal ensemble she had on, she knew the answer was, at the very least, a lot.

"So," she said, trying for lightness, not sure how close she got. "Where to?"

Comments

[formicine]

Blue has kicked off the very cool and way too high heart shoes as she walks to the truck, pavement cool under her feet, so she has to half-jump to get in. Just a few moments ago, she was the one being smooth and implicative, taking the lead, but as she slides into the cab, she's not sure what she's doing.

Well, she is sure: she catches Ellie watching her get in, green-hazel eyes lit up by streetlights, and behind the tentativeness there's a want that sends a shiver right through her.

They don't teach you how to be cool about this surrounded by losers in Henrietta, she thinks, and then, they especially don't teach you how to be cool about this when you're supposedly cursed, and, hey at least I'm not my mom summoning weirdos from Ancient Wales and it amuses her.

"Your place? Or -- wherever you want," she says, thinking of all the thoughts she'd had in this truck before she knew Ellie liked her back: she puts her hand on top of Ellie's to still the nervous tapping it's doing on the tapes. "Hey," she says a little softer, and scoots over on the seat.

[and_survive]

At least she didn't seem to be alone in just about any part of what she was feeling; alone was one of her least favorite things. But seeing some of her own awkwardness reflected was a relief, and some of the other things she was thinking and feeling... well, those were another thing.

"Hey," she said, a soft echo; with the lights shutting off when the doors closed, it was mostly an impression of Blue's face, of her lips that she was looking at, but she was certainly looking. "My place," she said.

Magnus' place at least was on the edge of town, which meant it wasn't far, and there was no city traffic to contend with.

[formicine]

Blue smiles at that and nods. It's a gesture that feels like more than what it is: she may be uncool and tentative, but she feels sure, too, clear.

"I guess that means I should let you drive," she laughs softly and lets Ellie have her hand back to shift with. Blue watches her get the truck started and into gear. Was this the result of impatience? It feels keener now, waiting.

Out the window, stars twinkle, not as clear as at Ellie's place but better than in the city proper.

[and_survive]

Which maybe made her wonder if she should have said right here or maybe just the nearest spot that was close but not right outside a crowded party, but if it took too long she could always pull over, she supposed.

"Yeah, stop being so distracting," she said, meaing don't, pulling the truck out onto the road, heading out of the little suburb the mansion was in, towards the country.

[formicine]

A strange but unexpectedly lovely side effect of being with Ellie is finding out the sheer number of subtle but obvious differences between the way I'm not sure anxiety feels in the body, and the nervousness that accompanies I want this.

It's something she's felt with Gansey, too, but with Gansey there's always been a sort of existential dread behind any physical want, just another continuation of the idea that she's not meant to ever have that.

Here it's unfettered, and she can allow herself a mischievous smile as Ellie pulls onto the smaller roads. "I don't know," she teases, crossing one leg over the other and moving her hand affectionately to her girlfriend's knee. "I think you like me when I'm not being good."

[and_survive]

That sort of made her want to accelerate again, so it was probably lucky that the motion required for that would have dipped her leg from Blue's hand, which she certainly didn't want. Even just sitting there, fabric between, she was deeply conscious of the fact of it, of the presence of her leg there under it.

"Are you not being good?" Ellie said, trying for somewhere between unaffected and where she actually was. "I can't tell."

[formicine]

Blue laughs. This sort of teasing seems a little movie-esque, maybe because it's just not something that she ever imagined she'd be involved in. "That depends on your definition of good," she points out, in her most practical tone.

As they pause for just a moment at a lonely four way stop, she leans over, reaching to turn Ellie's face toward her and sneak a soft kiss. "Still good?"

[and_survive]

It was lucky hardly anyone drove these roads, pretty much only the people who lived out there and people looking to spend a little time in the woods. Not because of anyone seeing them, because she didn't give a shit, but because she ended up stopped at the junction long enough someone would have laid on the horn.

Well, she would have.

"...yes," she said, without thinking, then flushed a little, it seeming inadequately clever or playful. "Um. Depends on- definition."

[formicine]

Blue smiles, mischief verging on goofy at the prompt yes she gets. She likes to think she's good at being funny or playful, but when it comes down to it, once kissing and touching is involved it's a dubious thing.

Anyway, being good at that part is more important.

"Let's be honest," she says, leaning her head sideways against the seat in at least an attempt to let Ellie get them back to her place in one piece. "I mostly care about your definition."

[and_survive]

"Good, then," Ellie allowed herself, putting the car back in gear and proceeding around the junction, down on to the even smaller road that led into Konoha-Uchi, a narrow lane through trees that eventually became dirt.

She grinned a little, in the dimmer light from the headlights flashing on trees, and added an amendment, "Lesbihonest."

[formicine]

There's a familiarity to that turn, the bump of the truck under her that signals almost-there, a promise that both releases something in her stomach and flutters in her chest at the same time. A caged bird only picking up to beat its wings when someone draws near.

Everything about that pun is so Ellie, and Blue's groan is only barely hiding a wide grin. "In that case, I'm only half honest," she parries, gesturing to her shirt, and allows herself the warm smile.

[and_survive]

"Well, I got the other half," Ellie said, glancing over at Blue's shirt and thinking for a moment sort of vaguely on the concept of shirts as things that were worn but also didn't necessarily have to be, and being glad to find she was pulling up to the house but also hadn't crashed.

"Between us we got the whole thing," she said, putting the truck in park and leaning back in her seat, free of having to divide her attention.

[formicine]

Ellie's eyes sort of linger on her for a moment and Blue can feel her skin prickle with heat at it, wondering what she's thinking. She glances out the windshield, fiercely glad, and a little embarrassed by that relief, that they're pulling into the driveway.

Ellie just sits back for a moment and Blue watches. "In the spirit of honesty," she says, "I feel like I should tell you that I would really like it if you were kissing me again now."

[and_survive]

"In the spirit of- fuck it, yeah, okay," Ellie said, giving up halfway through trying to come up with something witty and cute and deciding that instead of that a much better use of her time and mouth would be shifting herself further over to Blue's side of the truck to lean in and kiss her.

[formicine]

Blue laughs against her mouth and kisses her, humming appreciatively as Ellie shifts closer. It's not as though kissing isn't a thing they do - pretty regularly - but after years of thinking she couldn't, it still catches Blue off balance how fast it can make her breathless and squirmy. Her whole body feels like it reaches for more.

Or maybe that's just Ellie, which is equally nice.

At some point she's put her hand on Ellie's neck, and now she pulls back to catch her breath, tracing down along it with her fingers and leaning to follow her fingers with soft little kisses, and watch Ellie's reaction sidelong.

"Way better than driving," she says at the edge of her collar and grins, leaving a soft bite just under the fabric.

[and_survive]

Necks were vulnerable, were dangerous, and maybe that's why it felt so sensitive, that exposure, that opening. It was good, it was almost alarming in that, especially when Blue nipped her. Being bitten had certain connotations, but this wasn't that sort of bite.

Tell it to her heart rate, she guessed. But even so, she didn't want her to stop, didn't have anything to add except a slightly groaned, "Yeah," fingers clutched in Blue's shirt; at some point she'd shifted almost completely from her side of the truck to practically straddle one of Blue's legs, she wasn't entirely certain when. "Yeah, that's- better," she added, voice thick.

[formicine]

Blue shifts, widening her knees to let Ellie closer where she's half crawled into Blue's lap. Her skirt, tiers of ridiculous pink, is rucked up between them, and the cool air feels shocking on her bare skin where everything else is feverish: the heat of Ellie's weight on her thigh, the warm pulse it sends down through her, the stutter of her heart.

Ellie tenses a little at her teeth on her skin and Blue winces a little, leaving a softer kiss over the spot by way of apology. But she doesn't sound like there's a problem, and she's not moving away.

"Yeah," Blue echoes, leaning up to kiss her again, a little more heated, leaning into the weight of her. She skates a hand down the front of her shirt, teasing over curves and considering buttons.

"You'd tell me if anything wasn't," she interrupts herself, "Right?"

She's pretty sure Ellie could kill her if it wasn't, and none of their messing around has been objected to, but it seems good to reinforce.

[and_survive]

She didn't quite know whether she was into the biting or not, but the thing of it was that she didn't want her shitty world playing into her feelings on that front; she was gonna decide on the basis of whether she did or not, and the only way to figure that out was to go with it.

But she was pretty sure once she came to a decision on it, on any of it, she'd be able to say. She knew that about herself, at least. Even if Blue's hands on her made working through things in her head a little tricky, shifting into the touch and feeling a little dizzy, hands pushing just under her shirt at the waist to brush over skin.

"I'd let you know," she said, dipping her head, experimenting with a nip of her own. It seemed fair.

[formicine]

"Good," Blue says, half exhales. She's pretty sure she isn't likely to get herself pushed into anything either -- the girl who won't fall in love, the girl who can't kiss anyone.

(Except, now, now --)

It wouldn't have been hard to kiss Adam, to make him feel better, to tell him later what that not killing him would have meant. But she didn't want to and she wasn't going to. Having done that once, she's pretty sure she could do it here.

Where she can kiss people, whatever that means.
Where she can be kissed; Ellie's teeth scrape sharp against her neck and she takes a breath in at it, pressing into her hands.

[and_survive]

Maybe if they were just going to stay in the car driving all the way back home had been a waste of time, but she was in no mood for regret or second-guessing. There was the here and now, and it was in the passenger seat of her truck, and it was great.

Plus now at least she'd gotten at least a little scandalous in it. Maybe more than a little, she wasn't sure. The taste of Blue's neck and the feel of her skin as she pushed her hands up a little, up her sides under shirt, she very definitely did not want to stop any time soon. Or even pause to move.

[formicine]

Blue whimpers softly in the back of her throat as Ellie's mouth finds a particularly sensitive part of her neck; it surprises her, almost, the sound escaping her lips, and she shivers and presses into Ellie's fingers.

It's like standing at the edge of a very tall building, knowing she has the skills to leap off.

"Here," she says, abruptly bold. Blue tugs her shirt up, ducks under it to bare more skin to Ellie, and leans in to kiss her.

[and_survive]

Ellie took a breath, surprised and pleased. Maybe she shouldn't be, she didn't know, but nonetheless suddenly there was so much more skin, unrestricted access to run her hands over Blue's side, her back, pulling Blue against her to kiss her deeply.

Blue's skin was warm under her hands, but she didn't know if that was just her. Ellie felt very warm, in a way that built.

[formicine]

That's a good reaction, and Blue grins, chewing on her lip a little; her face is hot and she can't tell if it's self-consciousness or how intensely distracted she is at the moment. Both, a little.

Ellie's hands are just a little cooler than her skin, exploring, stroking, and she hums encouragingly, opening up to Ellie's kiss. There's a bare space of skin just between her pants and her shirt, and Blue rests her hands there, spreading her fingers just under the hem of her shirt. Everything's good, and then somewhere that kiss unlocks something a little urgent, a little chaotic, and she's breathless when they break apart.

"Mm," she says, turning her head in toward Ellie's and pushing her hands up. "You're wearing way more clothes than me now."

[and_survive]

A little dizzy with sensation, and a little more when Blue's hands started sliding up her stomach, she didn't immediately process what Blue said, and then only as a request she was very much in favor of following, lifting one hand from Blue to undo the top button of her shirt.

"...shit," she said, a moment later, as another consideration beyond want managed to surface. She was wearing more than Blue, but only one of those layers covered her arm, and she wanted it off.

[formicine]

Blue leans back to make a little space between them, smiling as Ellie reaches to unbutton her shirt. She's pretty sure that she hadn't ever particularly imagined stripping down in a truck, but right now that's all she's imagining, in vivid detail. Ellie looking dizzy-distracted and flushed is just beautiful and it's hard not to feel a little bit like the cat that caught the canary having caused it.

The dizziness of anticipation dies down a little when Ellie pauses and swears, and Blue chews on her lip. "Are you okay?"

[and_survive]

"I- yeah," Ellie said. "I mean, fuck yeah," because fuck yeah, she was okay, because she was straddling a gorgeous girl with her shirt off who wanted her shirt off, and she really wanted to follow that through.

It just meant she had to explain a thing that maybe she should have mentioned before they were pulling each other's clothes off, because she really wanted to focus on that part.

"I just- I gotta tell you something first, I guess. I should've said already."

[formicine]

That makes the little knot of concern untangle itself just a little, and Blue grins a little. "Good," she says, and leans up to give her a quick kiss.

She can't imagine Ellie has anything to tell her that she wouldn't be totally fine with, in this moment, but she tries to still her pushy nerves. Obviously it's something that matters to her. "That's okay," Blue says, and rests her hands at Ellie's waist. "Tell me?"

[and_survive]

"So- there's the infected, right," Ellie said, toying with the next button down as she figured out how to put it. "They bite you, the fungus gets in you, you go insane, you go nuts and run around biting people."

She took a breath, and then undid several buttons in a series, so she could shrug her arm out of her shirt and hold it up, awkwardly, bite turned toward Blue, not sure how close or far to hold it.

"Only, um... I never did."

[formicine]

Ellie says the infected, and Blue's eyes go a little more serious. She can't help watching Ellie's hands, nervous at the button of her shirt, eyes flickering down and back up.

Blue takes a little breath as she shrugs off one side of her shirt and holds out her arm. It feels good to be revealed to, trusted: not the same but not totally different than removing clothing. Intimate. But it doesn't make it less strange to see Ellie's arm scarred, little white bumps clustered over just that patch of skin. She hears what Ellie's saying about having never gotten sick and gone nuts, but it still looks like she should be taking her to the hospital.

"So, you're resistant to it," she says out loud as much for herself as Ellie. Blue can't help but reach out and run her thumb over Ellie's forearm, just under the bite, soft. If it was going to hurt her, she thinks, it would have by now. "Does it hurt you?"

[and_survive]

She hadn't specifically thought about it, until now, but she couldn't remember the last time someone else had touched her arm. A few people had seen it, but not touched it. She felt oddly nervous about it in a way quite separate to their respective states of undress.

Maybe a little linked. It was its own kind of intimate. There was a lot to that bite.

"No, it just- it just feels like my arm," she said. "It just looks, you know. Gross."

[formicine]

Blue lets out a tense breath, a little relieved that at least, if it's going to make Ellie feel awkward, it's not physically bothering her. She looks at it, and looks at her, and takes it all in. It's disquieting to look at the bite, and Blue feels a little awful about that not just going away magically and immediately, but it also isn't gross, not really.

Blue's done gross. She's dragged one of her best friends' decaying bodies from his rusted car in a magical forest, and she's watched him relive that death. She's watched Adam's eyes go black and felt the way knife crunched through hand when she had to pull him back; she's held Persephone's cold, un-Persephone-like body in her arms. That walker version of Beth, slit wrists and half-crazed eyes, that was gross. Half the ways that silent gray Darrow came up with to show her her mother or Gansey or someone else she loved dying were gross. KIRIN torturing her friends is gross.

Ellie -- Ellie isn't even a little gross.

"It's not gross to me," she says aloud. "I mean, maybe -- a little weird?" she admits, for the sake of honesty, "just to think about? But I'll get over that. It's something you survived. It's something that means you're you." She runs her hand more boldly up the side of Ellie's arm over her bare shoulder. "And I like you."

[and_survive]

It was in her mind to protest, at least some, to suggest that it was at least a little gross, maybe more than a little weird, or that whatever it was it wasn't exactly attractive. Even the re contextualization, of it being something she'd survived... she wasn't convinced survival was her most attractive quality, either. Would never give it up, or stop fighting, but she didn't think that was pretty.

But there was Blue's hand, running up her arm and shoulder, touch on skin that was almost always hidden these days, goosebumps following in its wake, and what she could actually manage was a swallowed, "Yeah?"

[formicine]

Blue's the first to admit how attractive she finds Ellie, but it's never been pretty that catches her eye first. With Adam it was his kindness, the quiet way he was different than his peers; and it was him setting that aside that lost her interest, too. With Gansey, she'd been caught unawares by the firey part of him, the part that wants to be, do more, like she does.

With Ellie, her fight and will and spontaneity had caught her first, even before looking too long at her in her tux at prom or laughing over concerts and summer and terrible puns. It's not something she should have had to do -- survive things -- but her toughness is still amazing.

She smiles, a little mischievous at the way she can steal Ellie's words, and Blue leans in to kiss her shoulder. "A lot, actually..."

[and_survive]

"Oh?" Ellie said, shoulder dropping a little, an unconscious -- or at least, semi-conscious -- sort of invitation, head to the side. She liked that. She liked a lot. She liked that they followed the fact of her arm and what that meant with this. Staying alive was finding things to fight for. This seemed like a pretty good thing to have on the list.

"You're not bad, either," she said.

[formicine]

"Mmhmm," she affirms, tugging Ellie a little closer to her with her other hand and sucking a soft kiss at the bared line of her throat.

"Not bad," she echoes, with a huff of a laugh against Ellie's skin, not pulling back an inch, but tipping her head just a little to raise an eyebrow at her and feigning a pout. "I see how it is. A girl gets half naked in a truck for someone, geez..."

[and_survive]

She should probably have an immediate response to that, something cute and flirty, but Blue's lips on her throat and the simple fact of her, as she said, half naked in her truck, it was the enemy of clear thought.

"Maybe a little more than that," she conceded, lifting her hand to run her thumb along the lower lip Blue had stuck so invitingly out, before leaning in to nip at it. "Maybe it's the half."

[formicine]

There's something about that little gesture, Ellie's thumb on her lip, that shivers right into her, and she blinks softly, still until Ellie nips at her lip and she hisses a pleased, sharp breath. "Maybe," she echoes back with a smile, catching her for another kiss.

"Oh, the half, huh?" She grins, playing at the strap of her bra. "Maybe you should show me what you can do with half and we can see about the rest."

[and_survive]

It was a hell of a thing, to go from her arm to this. Not even that, to go from this through her arm and back to this, just a bump on the road, just as a thing that had happened that wasn't the definition of her. She liked that.

She liked the way the strap of Blue's bra moved when she toyed with it a lot more, the hint of it, the way it shifted over bare skin and promised that it could be, perhaps, more bare than that.

"Oh, I gotta work for it?" Ellie said, settling her hands on Blue's waist, stroking up her sides. "I can work for it," she decided, tipping her head to find Blue's neck.

[formicine]

Blue grins at the teasing, then chews on the corner of that grin as Ellie shifts forward to stroke her fingers up her sides. She arches just a little bit into it, her soft climbing touch comforting and frustrating at the same time. "Yeah," she says. "You think I let every girl I date get this far?"

It's a joke, of course, because Ellie's the only girl she's ever dated. Besides Adam, she's the only person Blue's ever dated, certainly the longest (not to mention the most contentious); everything they've done is the first time Blue's done it, past the point of almost-kissing. She has no map for this place, just rumors of explorers who have had similar adventures, and a whole lot of paths to pick between, each as intimidating and inviting as the next. Well, Blue's always been a fan of adventure.

Then Ellie's kissing her neck again. There are a lot of things Blue has been capable of figuring out about herself: how sensitive her neck is is not one of them, and she flushes at the whimper it pulls from her, blinking wide and tipping her head up to give Ellie more access.

[and_survive]

She supposed if you were worried about that sort of thing, a girlfriend who previously hadn't been able to kiss anyone for fear they'd die was a relief. Ellie was not especially concerned, because it seemed like a shitty thing to have a problem with. The past was the past.

The future, now, maybe sometimes that crossed her mind, but certainly not right now, with Blue tipping her head and making of her neck a long, inviting curve, and whimpering absolutely deliciously. Because fair was fair, Ellie gently bit it.

[formicine]

Blue takes in a quick breath at that. Not quite, she'd argue, a gasp, because she doesn't think she's the kind of person who gasps, but if someone were to argue it she probably wouldn't be able to cohere semantics right now. There's an interruption the sharpness cuts into the shivery warmth of kisses along her neck that makes the answering flood of sensation keener.

"That feels. You feel really good," she encourages, and bites her lip, feeling silly even as she feels good. Right now every nerve feels desperate and wanting. She's not sure how you do this, what comes next, what Ellie wants to come next, but she's sure she wants to be touched more.

Blue wraps her arms around Ellie's waist and tugs her closer, lifting her head to kiss her on the lips.